Mary, Mary, quite contrary
How does your garden grow?
Well not with any silly silver bells, I'll tell you that. And by the way, it's Marie, not Mary. But you got the contrary part right...
Anyway, this post is about my soon-to-be garden. I live in an apartment with an almost-completely shaded patio but I think I can do it. You see, there is a space on this apartment's property that is between us and the next yard and there is NOTHING there. It's just filled in with medium-sized stones. Plus, half of the area is situated next to MY bedroom window, so if I were to put anything out there, I don't think it could affect anyone else.
This is my approach: 1. Get materials for free by asking local restaurants that I frequent for any 5-gallon white buckets they don't need anymore (and maybe offer them a buck apiece). 2. Drill holes for drainage in buckets with borrowed power drill. 3. Put said buckets on rocks, fill with dirt. 4. Start a compost bin with wormies and stuff so I don't have to buy fertilizer. 5. Plant all the veggies!
Oh, and 6. Try not to kill everything with my less-than-green thumb. :/
I should probably ask the property manager if she thinks it is ok to do this first, especially since we don't pay for water here so it would end up being paid for by the landlord... But I won't bring that particular detail up. Hehehe.
Hopefully I can get this going over the weekend, but in the meantime I've got some reading to do about what kinds of things I can grow since I'm starting rather late in the season, and how to keep pests off without messing with pesticides. I'm hoping that the buckets will keep out most of the creepy-crawlies, and maybe netting for the ones with wings? I guess it depends if I grow anything that needs pollinating... Oh well, I should start small anyway. Wish me luck!
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Depression
File this one under "I never thought it would happen to me." You know, next to car accidents, drug problems, etc.
I am depressed. I went to a psychologist and a psychiatrist and they said I have minor depression and they gave me anti-depressants. I am depressed.
It's strange because it's not like any other kind of illness, where one day you're well and the next day you're sick... Being depressed feels just like not being depressed, except the good days slowly become more and more rare.
And whatever upsets you plays over and over again in your mind without resolution. In my case, my work upsets me; the fact that I haven't accomplished anything in a very long time picks away at my self-esteem. My boss upsets me. I've never had to work for someone who so completely lacked normal communication skills, let alone management skills. (Hey, Boss, positive reinforcement isn't some fad--it actually works, so maybe you should try it!) I'm used to being at the top in everything, and now I'm not. What if I've gone beyond my potential? What if I'm just not cut out for this?
That's the cliff notes version of my subconscious for the last seven months or so.
The good news is that I am past rock-bottom. I got to the point where I realized I couldn't climb out of this hole I had dug on my own, so I got help. Ok, well first I got desperate and got Adderall from my friend.
Aahh here it goes, the head-shaking and tut-tutting. Yes it was illegal, but I'm actually really glad that I did it. Adderall absolutely restored my self-confidence. Even if it was just for a day, I learned that I am capable of doing my job. I have it in me to do science and to be efficient. In total, I took three Adderall-- one each week for 3 weeks. My couselor and psychiatrist know about it, and we're working on better ways for me to get through this. One of these better ways is by taking a low-dose second-tier antidepressant. It hasn't kicked in yet, but we'll see. The other way is by seeing my counselor every week.
Counseling is amazing. I always used to think that if you had a problem, you could just talk to your family or friends about it until it was solved and that counselors were just there for people who were either embarrassed or who didn't have people that they could trust. I was truly surprised, therefore, that after just one session with my counselor I felt significantly better. I had talked to friends already, but those conversations didn't give me the sense of empowerment and validation that counseling did. There's something really satisfying about having a licensed professional tell you that what you're going through is legitimate, normal, and fixable. That it's not all in your head. (Well, it is, but you know what I mean.)
So now I'm focused on getting better by clearer, more definable means than the old 'just try harder.' I'm actively seeking help where I need it and taking productive steps forward.
There's just one thing that really bothers me that I don't think I can fix: so many other people have the same problem, for the same reasons. Just recently I have read articles online about depression in graduate students. There are statistics that claim we are at much higher risk for depression than the general population. I personally know another student who is struggling with depression in my program. Is it just me, or is there a problem with a system that causes bright twenty-somethings to lose all interest and motivation for anything but sleep? That causes us to question our work ethic, our intelligence, and our worthiness? The highest of higher education is a noble pursuit, but when it comes at the cost of happiness during the prime years of our lives, I wonder if the truly intelligent people are the ones who never started down this road at all.
I am depressed. I went to a psychologist and a psychiatrist and they said I have minor depression and they gave me anti-depressants. I am depressed.
It's strange because it's not like any other kind of illness, where one day you're well and the next day you're sick... Being depressed feels just like not being depressed, except the good days slowly become more and more rare.
And whatever upsets you plays over and over again in your mind without resolution. In my case, my work upsets me; the fact that I haven't accomplished anything in a very long time picks away at my self-esteem. My boss upsets me. I've never had to work for someone who so completely lacked normal communication skills, let alone management skills. (Hey, Boss, positive reinforcement isn't some fad--it actually works, so maybe you should try it!) I'm used to being at the top in everything, and now I'm not. What if I've gone beyond my potential? What if I'm just not cut out for this?
That's the cliff notes version of my subconscious for the last seven months or so.
The good news is that I am past rock-bottom. I got to the point where I realized I couldn't climb out of this hole I had dug on my own, so I got help. Ok, well first I got desperate and got Adderall from my friend.
Aahh here it goes, the head-shaking and tut-tutting. Yes it was illegal, but I'm actually really glad that I did it. Adderall absolutely restored my self-confidence. Even if it was just for a day, I learned that I am capable of doing my job. I have it in me to do science and to be efficient. In total, I took three Adderall-- one each week for 3 weeks. My couselor and psychiatrist know about it, and we're working on better ways for me to get through this. One of these better ways is by taking a low-dose second-tier antidepressant. It hasn't kicked in yet, but we'll see. The other way is by seeing my counselor every week.
Counseling is amazing. I always used to think that if you had a problem, you could just talk to your family or friends about it until it was solved and that counselors were just there for people who were either embarrassed or who didn't have people that they could trust. I was truly surprised, therefore, that after just one session with my counselor I felt significantly better. I had talked to friends already, but those conversations didn't give me the sense of empowerment and validation that counseling did. There's something really satisfying about having a licensed professional tell you that what you're going through is legitimate, normal, and fixable. That it's not all in your head. (Well, it is, but you know what I mean.)
So now I'm focused on getting better by clearer, more definable means than the old 'just try harder.' I'm actively seeking help where I need it and taking productive steps forward.
There's just one thing that really bothers me that I don't think I can fix: so many other people have the same problem, for the same reasons. Just recently I have read articles online about depression in graduate students. There are statistics that claim we are at much higher risk for depression than the general population. I personally know another student who is struggling with depression in my program. Is it just me, or is there a problem with a system that causes bright twenty-somethings to lose all interest and motivation for anything but sleep? That causes us to question our work ethic, our intelligence, and our worthiness? The highest of higher education is a noble pursuit, but when it comes at the cost of happiness during the prime years of our lives, I wonder if the truly intelligent people are the ones who never started down this road at all.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Holidays at the Parents'
Thanksgiving with my family was awesome this year. Of course, we can't go two holidays in a row without my dad getting in some sort of dispute with someone in the immediate family. This year he's mad at my sister for not coming home early enough on Christmas Eve. On the surface, it would seem that he is in the right because family should be together for this holiday. However, my sister has a grand total of 48hrs to spend in San Jose before she has to work another shift at a department store, and she wanted to see her best friend too. Her best friend's family invited her to their Christmas Eve dinner, so she accepted. My dad told her that she should do what she wanted (in a very nice, sincere-sounding tone). Then, come 10pm, he started saying loudly, "If they're more important to her than we are, then she should just stay there!" He then proceeded to storm off to bed without so much as a 'goodnight' to me, and leaving my mom to call my sister and tell her to come home.
Great.
Well, she came home and at first was just angry. After she and I talked for a bit she calmed down and now I think she sees why our dad was hurt that she wasn't here. He wanted her to want to be with our family more than with another family. Yes, he should have told her that he preferred to have her here, but if she even had to ask him what he thought in the first place then she should have shown more consideration and come home early.
Now I am going to try to sleep, knowing that Christmas this year is unlikely to be very Merry at all.
Great.
Well, she came home and at first was just angry. After she and I talked for a bit she calmed down and now I think she sees why our dad was hurt that she wasn't here. He wanted her to want to be with our family more than with another family. Yes, he should have told her that he preferred to have her here, but if she even had to ask him what he thought in the first place then she should have shown more consideration and come home early.
Now I am going to try to sleep, knowing that Christmas this year is unlikely to be very Merry at all.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Mmmm parfait
Yes, I know. 2 posts in 1 day is a bit much, but hey, I'm on a roll.
This evening I went out on my first run in ages. I learned a couple of things. 1. I really really need new running shoes. 2. Running isn't as bad as I remember it--it's actually kind of fun.
I'd been wanting to run around the local park for a while. It's about a mile away from my apartment, and roughly a half-mile around so in total I ran 2.6 miles. I only did a 10-minute per mile pace, but it was nice to run in the evening air, especially since I was sore from my workout yesterday. (Zumba is killer, man.) I figure if I run 2 or 3 evenings per week I should be able to work up to running further and faster pretty quickly. Last time I ran with any frequency I was doing 4.1 miles with slight hills, albeit at a slow pace.
Now I am sitting down to a tasty parfait that I made before I left as incentive to get myself out the door. Fresh berries and greek yogurt with just a little bit of sugar on top. Mmmm. Success!
This evening I went out on my first run in ages. I learned a couple of things. 1. I really really need new running shoes. 2. Running isn't as bad as I remember it--it's actually kind of fun.
I'd been wanting to run around the local park for a while. It's about a mile away from my apartment, and roughly a half-mile around so in total I ran 2.6 miles. I only did a 10-minute per mile pace, but it was nice to run in the evening air, especially since I was sore from my workout yesterday. (Zumba is killer, man.) I figure if I run 2 or 3 evenings per week I should be able to work up to running further and faster pretty quickly. Last time I ran with any frequency I was doing 4.1 miles with slight hills, albeit at a slow pace.
Now I am sitting down to a tasty parfait that I made before I left as incentive to get myself out the door. Fresh berries and greek yogurt with just a little bit of sugar on top. Mmmm. Success!
One down, a zillion to go
Ever seen those YouTube videos where music comes on in a crowded public place and then random people start to do an elaborate choreographed dance, otherwise known as a flash mob? (If not, take a look at this)
Well, just a few weeks ago I was watching as many flash mob videos as I could find, just to see the astonishment and joy on people's faces when the seemingly normal stranger next to them started to dance. It is beautiful to me that people would put so much time and effort into an event like this where the participants get no pay or recognition. It's just a burst of fun in an otherwise ordinary setting.
As luck has it, less than a week after my flash mob video binge one of my salsa instructors approached me and asked if I would help her with a project. I agreed, figuring it was something for an upcoming showcase. However, when I asked what I'd be doing she told me that she had been invited to choreograph a flash mob to be performed on Cinco de Mayo in downtown LA! Woohoo!
So, practice ensued and we performed a flash mob dance made up of salsa, casino rueda (salsa in a circle), cha cha, samba, hip hop, and reggaeton in the middle of Nokia Plaza at LA Live. We performed twice that evening and both times went off well (although a TV reporter did try to stand in the MIDDLE of our dance). That was definitely one to check off of the bucket list.
Well, just a few weeks ago I was watching as many flash mob videos as I could find, just to see the astonishment and joy on people's faces when the seemingly normal stranger next to them started to dance. It is beautiful to me that people would put so much time and effort into an event like this where the participants get no pay or recognition. It's just a burst of fun in an otherwise ordinary setting.
As luck has it, less than a week after my flash mob video binge one of my salsa instructors approached me and asked if I would help her with a project. I agreed, figuring it was something for an upcoming showcase. However, when I asked what I'd be doing she told me that she had been invited to choreograph a flash mob to be performed on Cinco de Mayo in downtown LA! Woohoo!
So, practice ensued and we performed a flash mob dance made up of salsa, casino rueda (salsa in a circle), cha cha, samba, hip hop, and reggaeton in the middle of Nokia Plaza at LA Live. We performed twice that evening and both times went off well (although a TV reporter did try to stand in the MIDDLE of our dance). That was definitely one to check off of the bucket list.
My friend Stephen and I started off the first flash mob doing some lead-follow salsa.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
It's been a while
I haven't written a new post in months! In some ways, this is because it's been a while since my life took any very exciting turns, which sounds depressing. However, I am enjoying the complete and utter lack of drama in my life. I am in a routine that I stick to by choice more than by obligation. I have different groups of friends associated with my various interests. I am single.
Well... ok that last one is somewhat less than true. I just started seeing someone recently. I've gone on a few dates in the past couple of months, but this is the first guy that I can honestly say I like. The others had many promising attributes (one was a lawyer, the other a handsome aspiring actor), but I didn't connect with them. I was starting to think that since I've grown up so much since my last relationship, maybe the initial attraction just wasn't going to feel the same way anymore. I was partially right. I don't have the same butterflies that I used to get, but that's not such a bad thing. Now I'm more confident in myself, so I'm not anxiously waiting to see if he'll call. So far so good, but I'm very wary of putting myself at risk emotionally. Also, I like my life the way it is, so I don't want to make too many concessions for him. Oh wow, it's been a while since I've had to deal with all of this, and I'm not completely sure that I want to go through it.
Well... ok that last one is somewhat less than true. I just started seeing someone recently. I've gone on a few dates in the past couple of months, but this is the first guy that I can honestly say I like. The others had many promising attributes (one was a lawyer, the other a handsome aspiring actor), but I didn't connect with them. I was starting to think that since I've grown up so much since my last relationship, maybe the initial attraction just wasn't going to feel the same way anymore. I was partially right. I don't have the same butterflies that I used to get, but that's not such a bad thing. Now I'm more confident in myself, so I'm not anxiously waiting to see if he'll call. So far so good, but I'm very wary of putting myself at risk emotionally. Also, I like my life the way it is, so I don't want to make too many concessions for him. Oh wow, it's been a while since I've had to deal with all of this, and I'm not completely sure that I want to go through it.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Inner band geek
Long, long ago, in a part of California far, far away, there lived a shy girl who had but one joy in life: music. She loved her saxophone like a sister (otherwise there was no way that she'd lug that heavy thing to school every day). Each evening she would practice more than her teacher required, and her favorite part of the day was always band class. She worked diligently and became quite good at her craft. All this was in preparation for the big leagues of public school music: high school marching band.
To her dismay, the much loved and respected marching band director decided that it was time to retire, and was replaced by a former choir director. The girl gave this timid young instructor a fair chance, but she proved incompetent. Therefore, rather than have music become a bitter, forced past time, the girl quit her 5 year hobby.
The love of music never left her though, and from time to time she considered playing again. However, the thought of making the squawking sounds of a beginning saxophonist was too much for her to take, and she was too poor for lessons. What was her inner band geek to do? For a long time, she did nothing. Now, a young woman with a job and some free time, a plan is beginning to form--a scheme, really. Slightly devious, completely ingenious, she will take new risks to get what she wants. Will it work? Only time will tell...
To Be Continued.
To her dismay, the much loved and respected marching band director decided that it was time to retire, and was replaced by a former choir director. The girl gave this timid young instructor a fair chance, but she proved incompetent. Therefore, rather than have music become a bitter, forced past time, the girl quit her 5 year hobby.
The love of music never left her though, and from time to time she considered playing again. However, the thought of making the squawking sounds of a beginning saxophonist was too much for her to take, and she was too poor for lessons. What was her inner band geek to do? For a long time, she did nothing. Now, a young woman with a job and some free time, a plan is beginning to form--a scheme, really. Slightly devious, completely ingenious, she will take new risks to get what she wants. Will it work? Only time will tell...
To Be Continued.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)