File this one under "I never thought it would happen to me." You know, next to car accidents, drug problems, etc.
I am depressed. I went to a psychologist and a psychiatrist and they said I have minor depression and they gave me anti-depressants. I am depressed.
It's strange because it's not like any other kind of illness, where one day you're well and the next day you're sick... Being depressed feels just like not being depressed, except the good days slowly become more and more rare.
And whatever upsets you plays over and over again in your mind without resolution. In my case, my work upsets me; the fact that I haven't accomplished anything in a very long time picks away at my self-esteem. My boss upsets me. I've never had to work for someone who so completely lacked normal communication skills, let alone management skills. (Hey, Boss, positive reinforcement isn't some fad--it actually works, so maybe you should try it!) I'm used to being at the top in everything, and now I'm not. What if I've gone beyond my potential? What if I'm just not cut out for this?
That's the cliff notes version of my subconscious for the last seven months or so.
The good news is that I am past rock-bottom. I got to the point where I realized I couldn't climb out of this hole I had dug on my own, so I got help. Ok, well first I got desperate and got Adderall from my friend.
Aahh here it goes, the head-shaking and tut-tutting. Yes it was illegal, but I'm actually really glad that I did it. Adderall absolutely restored my self-confidence. Even if it was just for a day, I learned that I am capable of doing my job. I have it in me to do science and to be efficient. In total, I took three Adderall-- one each week for 3 weeks. My couselor and psychiatrist know about it, and we're working on better ways for me to get through this. One of these better ways is by taking a low-dose second-tier antidepressant. It hasn't kicked in yet, but we'll see. The other way is by seeing my counselor every week.
Counseling is amazing. I always used to think that if you had a problem, you could just talk to your family or friends about it until it was solved and that counselors were just there for people who were either embarrassed or who didn't have people that they could trust. I was truly surprised, therefore, that after just one session with my counselor I felt significantly better. I had talked to friends already, but those conversations didn't give me the sense of empowerment and validation that counseling did. There's something really satisfying about having a licensed professional tell you that what you're going through is legitimate, normal, and fixable. That it's not all in your head. (Well, it is, but you know what I mean.)
So now I'm focused on getting better by clearer, more definable means than the old 'just try harder.' I'm actively seeking help where I need it and taking productive steps forward.
There's just one thing that really bothers me that I don't think I can fix: so many other people have the same problem, for the same reasons. Just recently I have read articles online about depression in graduate students. There are statistics that claim we are at much higher risk for depression than the general population. I personally know another student who is struggling with depression in my program. Is it just me, or is there a problem with a system that causes bright twenty-somethings to lose all interest and motivation for anything but sleep? That causes us to question our work ethic, our intelligence, and our worthiness? The highest of higher education is a noble pursuit, but when it comes at the cost of happiness during the prime years of our lives, I wonder if the truly intelligent people are the ones who never started down this road at all.
